Turbo Fire Fit Girl Glamour vs Michalin Girl Safety*

I must say I have a new addiction. I love it. It makes me feel amazing. I am scared.

I know I know, it sounds ridiculous right? What's so scary about looking refreshed, sexy, beautiful, and vibrant?

Oh if it was only that simple. There's something that happens whenever I get good momentum going and am really enjoying what I'm doing. I have been a dancer and an athlete all my life. My childhood treats were strawberries and watermelon spears so the healthy lifestyle just feels like home. But there is a monster under the bed. A monster waiting to bite off my toes and scare me right back into my chipotle burrito, mcdonald hamburger, taco bell taco bed of hiding.

Over the years, numerous bad experiences that I associate with my physical appearance have taught me that it's safer to be the Michalin Man than it is to be Barbie. Friends start hating you and saying horrible things behind your back. Your boyfriend's friends start hitting on you the first second his back is turned. Girls think you are a terrible jerk, and guys think you are nothing but a piece of ... well... you know. Worst of all, you are put in positions as a kid that you are not ready for. You have no voice. You have value. You are either a threat or a prize. You are alone.

Rationally I understand that my jaded view of fitness and beauty is severely off kilter. But I cannot help it. If there is anything that I have learned, it's that being beautiful is more of a curse than a blessing... at least when you don't have the confidence to use it. Thinking of being at my goal weight is terrifying. When I am just the fat girl with the pretty face, I am not a threat. My friends don't feel threatened because I'm fat. Guys don't hit on me because I'm super sweet and super cute, but sex couldn't be further from their mind. Fat = safe.

I "know" these things because I have been there. But I have been there because I don't have the tools to deal with people in a way that saves face and doesn't put myself in a bad position. The truth is, I learned a long time ago that I don't have a right to say no.

Fat Girl Rationale....

- If I am in good shape, it will make my heavier friends feel bad about themselves. It's better to just fit in.

- If I take care of myself on the outside, the outside will be all that I am defined by.

- If I look pretty, people will only be focused on how I look instead of how smart, kind, compassionate, or funny I am.

- Guys make unwelcome advances that I don't know how to deal with when I am thinner and take care of my appearance. I don't feel that I can say no. I know how bad rejection hurts, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

- People I love have taken advantage of me and used my physical appearance as a reason to do the things they have done. If I am less attractive, I will not be put in positions that compromise myself or someone else.

- Beauty is a tool used to make other people feel bad about themselves, whether it be through jealousy, hurt, rejection, or otherwise. I don't want to hurt people.

Let's be clear. I know that these thoughts are unhealthy. These are the thoughts that cause the self sabotage that compromises my success. I idolize strong, beautiful women that can look amazing and still be smart, courageous, giving, and kind. Why can't I find the confidence in the fact that I could do the same? Why am I able to find strength and security in being overweight and unhealthy when I have been hardwired for the opposite? Why can I find the strength to work a 60 hour week as a store manager in a man's world on top of full time college pulling a 4.0 as a biology major, philosophy minor, but I can't find the confidence to ditch negative/insecure friends and fend off unwanted advances from men?

I care. I care so much it makes my heart hurt. I want everyone to feel good about themselves around me. I want to inspire. I want to spread kindness and confidence and root on everyone around me. I want to love and support and cheer on.... I want the best for everyone...

... everyone but me. Why? How did I get here? How can I be exploding with love and kindness and consideration and care for everyone around me BUT myself? It is so frustrating. Why am I not worth the same to myself as a stranger is worth?

I love my Turbo Fire. I love my new group of fitness friends. I just hope that this time, I can work through it all and finally slay the monster under the bed. Not just for me, but for my family, friends, and those I haven't met yet. I want to make a difference... it starts with me. Only the test of time will determine if I have the strength....

...must be the puppy chow...